Something to learn

Regrets, disappointments, sadness were mixed up. I didn’t really know why this happened to me. An event that I really want to join has over. I was quite surprise when someone told me the result. My body was stunt and my blood was going to burst. What had I done when I was in the previous event? What really made me fail? Was it me or my parents? Besides, my heart cries, a big wound were left in my deepest heart when I read a message : “Thanks for participating.”

Let’s rewind the story just before the first event began. My parents did not agree if I competed in the first event. But I forced myself and my parents to allow me to compete it. I just wondered, should not I have joined the first event so I would not fell this? Besides all of these, I never regretted that I tried to do what I wanted, even though my parents, truly, did not allow me to go.

There had to be something that I had learnt from this. But what was that? I did not know it. What I was feeling were only a pain, great regret, and sadness.

Once, I ever thought that I was not as clever as her or him. But, again, this was not the main problem. I just could not regard hardwork as the only way to achieve something. And also I was not confident enough with myself. And also there was no support from my parents and so on. There were too many excuses that made this stress more powerful to prove me that “I am nobody”.

Mrs. Kosasih once told me, “Know your worth”. This sentence hit me hard. Even, I did not know how much I am worth for myself, I did not really know who I am, I never appreciated what I did, I never regarded myself as a big person, I always considered other’s better than mine. How can I know that I am worthy if I always mock myself? That really irritated me, both inside and outside.

But a mistake I created when I entered high school was I chose 2 kinds of extracurricular which were really different. I was too idealistic, that I could take it all, but I felt the rest this time, I lost A VERY BIG CHANCE IN MY LIFE. This was a really big wound in my heart.

What I could hold was: God has a very beautiful plan in my life. I believe that it is only a bitter experience to prepare me to next chances. It hurt me every time there was the next of this event. This time I thought that I deserved to get it. But God has his own way that I still do not understand what He is creating in my life.

God please release me from this pain, make me ready to receive your very beautiful plan in my life, create me into a strong person, make me into a humble person, spread the spirit of perseverance in my life and always lead me to Your perfect way. AMEN